we see a house with a drug deal going down in it. there are two men. in the background the tv is showing sopranos (influence???)

man 1: “hi alan. have you got the drugs?”

man 2: “you betcha, conan. i hope youve got the right change this time!”

man 1: “haha”

man 2: “haha”

man 1: “well, you are probably best passing the drugs over to me then.”

man 2: “ok. I will put them in your hand now.”

man 1: “ok.”

just at that moment a man kicks down the door of the house. he is wearing a black leather trenchcoat and is of oriental descent. he has matrix glasses and a good heart. his name is stefan vee and you just know he has a sick mobile phone.

stefan vee: “why don’t you put this in your hand, baby?!”

stefan vee gets out a massive gun and starts firing at the roof. the men start to run and hide behind the tv. unfortunately, vee has shot a whole in the ceiling and a couch falls through it and lands perfectly. two girls are on the couch in bikinis.

stefan vee: “ladies… how nice of you to drop in on a couch.”

the girls giggle and vee gets out some cards to show them a magic trick but one of the drug men charges at him. vee simply gets his hand out and punches him right in the mush with his hand.
stefan vee: “now that’s what i call a punch in the face.”

there is just one man left, shaking behind the tv. vee lights a cigarette.

stefan vee: “you know, mr drug man, my favourite superhero is superman. now batman and spider-man they became heroes, but superman was born one. he arrived here from krypton factor and he said ‘hey baby here i am!!!’ and that was that. that was superman. the man of steal, yet he always gave it to the poor, you dig? so i guess what i’m saying is…

… who turned out the lights?”

vee shoots the television and it gets slightly darker.

vee: “welcome to channel vee.”

well dad hasn’t returned yet but mum has and she has very kindly left a bag with all his stuff in it by the garage door in case he needs to top up on the battle against the lizards… i noticed she didnt leave a note probably because its too hard…

i had a strange weekend mainly, although it was nice to see dave c but not so nice to meet his cousin big c. he’s got a girlfriend so hes obviously scared of being alone unlike vai whos a lone warrior 4-lyf. his girlfriend was called ’sky’ (whatever that means) and you could tell it was a rubbish relationship as they hadn’t even bothered to meet online! how can you fully trust someone you haven’t met online in advance, giving you the chance to fully vet them and find out who they are? how do these people expect to have a loving relationship without advanced online verification?

my experiences with girls are limited but by my choice. i dont want to get involved with someone in case they get killed by lizards looking to send me a message. also i have back eczema on my back. i look like toasted granary bread.

having dismissed steve c and his daft girlfriend i left dave to entertain them (traitor) and headed online to make some cash. as the roulette wheel span around and around i thought about my dad and whether the lizards were subjecting him to any torture. i cant rule out the idea that they stripped him completely half naked and put him in a bin with some spikes and then shook the bin and rolled it down a hill into a wall made of fire and sorrow. like in that film.

might get my haircut today but dunno.

long before computer games happened the only way to have fun was to go to the desert and shoot people, so i was dead happy when this game came out!

red dead revolver is by the same rock stars who made grand theft auto 4 – steve tyler and brian eno – and is set in the wild wild west. i have heard if you do really well on it you can play as maverick starring mel gibson???

the main point of this game is to shoot everybody right in the face, and get a new hat. i really really enjoyed this and dave c kept doing the theme tune from ‘good and bad and ugly’ while i was playing, but he kept getting the lyrics wrong!

whats really cool is you can play ‘texas hold me’ so i have lots of experience with it due to my roots playing online casino games.

due to legal issues i cant publish a screenshot of the game but i can do a reimagination of it. ive tried to capture the essence of shooting everyone and then getting on a horse.

overall i would say that you will like this game whether you like it or not! It is on both xbox 360 and playstations 3 and i have bought it for both so i can experience it 100%! dave c didnt mind paying because hes a good friend.

in terms of graphics i give it a ‘yes’, in terms of sound i would say its ‘100% OK’ and sound effects are also very nice. when it comes to soundtrack i would rate it highly and the audio is also very good. volume-wise it is a stand-out performer and its music is excellent. its also good to listen too.

overall: thanks very much!!

\sv/

despite all of vai’s struggles, i always had a feeling that one day someone would stand up and fight alongside me. and not just dave c (he was instrumental in the lol-battle of kfc grimsby though), i’m talking about my dad.

me and my dad haven’t ever spent too much time together. even that time when i was seven and i locked us in the shed together so he didn’t have to go to work just resulted in him smashin in the windows to escape to the office. but this week, when the chips, and the internet, were down, he was right there for me.

how? well he came home on monday night after id finished work and we all sat down for dinner. my mum then told him about what happened with the internet and said that we couldn’t as a family keep having these problems.

then my dad – the hero – stepped up to the plate. enraged about the way the lizards were treating his family, he threw down his knife and fork, pointed at my mother and walked upstairs. three minutes later he left the house carrying a suitcase, no doubt full of weapons and documents designed to bring down The Men (lizards).

so where does this leave the rest of the vai family? well, i suppose i am now the primary breadwinner while father is fighting the system, so i’ll be looking after mum as well as sending money to tracey chapman when i can. dave c can be my right-hand man, naval commander and photoshop guy and mum can do the cooking and washing up.

It’s not gonna be easy without my dad, but the revolution is definitely back on track and it’s thanks to the hero that is my father.

‘revolution begins at home, baby’ – napoleon

well well well, guess who’s internet was cut off for a week? was it the simple unassuming ‘man in a suit’? nope. how about the greedy banker in london? nope. vai’s internet was cut off, and i know exactly who was behind it.

whats worried me the most is the size of the conspiracy. apparently virgin media are involved, along with some creditors and my dads business adviser. i never trusted him, for the record.

heres what went down: vai reads a book about the rise of the one world government on saturday night. on sunday, vai stays up til half three typing words like ‘conspiracy’, ‘new world order’ and ‘funniest bits of jackass’ into google (also in on it?). then on monday – no more internet for vai.

being without the internet has really hampered my plans and social life. i tried using dave c’s at his house but he’s not allowed online after 8pm because he once tried to download a lot of rap. annoying, and also i dont think i can trust dave’s dad mr c as he once gave me a funny look when i wore my nirvana tshirt. plus, he makes home brew and thats just weird.

who was behind this then? mum says it was the banks not taking the direct debit, and that sounds like exactly the kind of stunt those lizards have been pulling for years. i can tell the whole event (we also had our car ‘accidentally taken’ for a few days in another ‘admin mix-up’) is starting to get to my mum as shes started drinking and shouting at dad more than ever. its like the time he was nearly made redundant but worse. i wonder what it is.

no i dont. its the lizards. first they shut down teletext, then they lie about tracey chapmans death, now they come for vai.

now ive got the net back ive made sure the lizards will never take it down again. ive put a load of sellotape around the router so that should stop illegal tamperers from submitting crashes to it. i also thought about putting it in the freezer cos the lizards would never think to look in there but then i remembered dave c’s cat.

\sv/

so much stuff going on this week vai doesn’t know where to begin! kinda glad i had to work most of the last few days but i had the weekend off so it’s all good.

vai doesn’t wanna dwell on the scientology s***t as we all know how dangerous it is to talk about it online after that councillor got e-slapped by the s-gang.

all i gotta say is you guys stay away from tracey or vai and dave c gonna get ya! and we ain’t talkin online pwning here. were talking proper stealing dave’s dad’s gun and come looking for xenu!

after a few shifts this week (I’m a high-end heavyweight programmer for a mobile games operator based in Cheltenham. It really is quite pleasant and well-paid and I like the people) i chilled out at the weekend with dave c and watched chornicles of riddick one of the best films ever!

vai strongly urges you to either sdsl line it (u know what vai’s sayin) or get yo dvd on and relax with some classic vin.

the film is all about a guy called vin diesel and hes messin about on the ice planet of hoth and then he goes to the helium planet to see mam. then all hell breaks loose and the necromongs come and fight everybody and before you know it boom boom boom THANDIE NEWTON!!! and im standing in front of the tv saying ‘yo this shiz is fine!!!!’ and dave c’s like ‘i want my mommy’ but i know its just jokez.

next up we drove around and listened to some tracey chapman in the all-night carwash and worked out a plan to keep her safe while the plot against her dies down.

i gotz no more to say brrrap.