Archive for April, 2010

LaserQuestocalypse Now

Friday, April 30th, 2010

Sometimes Laser Quest can be like a movie… :)

I’ve seen lasers… lasers that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what Laser Quest means. Lasers. Lasers have a face… of lasers… and you must make a friend of lasers.

Lasers and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.
I remember when I was at Laser Quest. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a Megaplex to inoculate each other. We left after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn’t see because of lasers. We went back there and they had come and lasered off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms.

And I remember… I… I… I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget the lasers. I never want to forget. And then I realized… like I was shot… like I was shot with a laser… a diamond laser right through my forehead. And I thought: My God… the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure, laser.

And then I realised they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men… trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love… but they had the lasers… the lasers… to do that.

If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles at Megaplex would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral… and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to laser without feeling… without passion… without judgment… without judgment. Because it’s judgment that defeats us.

Secrets and Lies

Monday, April 26th, 2010

One of the advantages of having parents who are quite well-off is that we always get the best of everything. Whether it’s clothes, games, Blu-rays or whatever, the money that comes into the family business pays for a lot of good stuff. Another area that has been far from neglected is internet access at our house. Because my dad likes to download a LOT of movies and burn them on to disc for his friends, we have got a superfast line installed.

It is not like your typical broadband connection, but a more dedicated line. Basically we don’t have to share our internet with anyone else in the neighbourhood, which suits me just fine. I don’t really like sharing anyway. This approach caused me no end of trouble at the Pokémon exchange parties we used to have, but there you go. Anyway. Sometimes I could kiss my superfast leased line connection, if it wasn’t for the health hazards. From playing games online to downloading all the latest movie releases for dad, it is so reliable. One thing it’s been really good for recently is streaming internet video clips, and this week I’ve been looking into conspiracies…

Now I know that people scoff when they hear the words ‘conspiracy theory‘, especially in an online blog, but there are some stories that just don’t. make. sense. man.

Check this out:

There are a number of conflicting stories when it comes to people describing their experiences with aliens. Some say they are green, some say they are grey. Therefore, I think they are definitely grey-green, like a dirty sea. We know for a fact pretty much that they are quite small and have big heads. Some also say that they have big hands (perhaps to carry massive guns or information??) and large feet.

Also found some good conspiracy theories (I’m going to call them truisms in future) regarding the government. Basically, the whole recession was caused by lizards who work in banks. Not like the Halifax or anything, but the big branches in New York. I’ve just bought some David Ike books and he might say that these lizards are reddy-purple, like an exhausted sun.

I’m so glad that my eyes are now OPEN. It just makes things easier when the woman in Tesco tries to patronise me when I’m buying cigarettes, and it’s OK now because I KNOW THE TRUTH.

Take that, Pam!

Watch the skies/banks.

Forgotten classics

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

The gaming world changes so quickly, it’s often difficult to remember what I was playing five years ago, never mind fifteen. With that in mind, I’d like to take you all on a trip down memory lane with some of my favourite 16-bit console games.

BATMAN RETURNS (Konami, Super Nintendo)
The side-scrolling beat-em-up has become something of a lost art in the computer game world recently. In the mid-90s it was all the rage, with this one in particular among my favourites.

Of course, you play Batman, taking on the Penguin and Catwoman. Whilst this game didn’t add anything groundbreaking to the genre, it ticked all the boxes well. Breakable scenary? Check. Variety of enemies? Check. Difficult end of level baddies? Check. Add into the mix a wonderful 16-bit score taken straight from Danny Elfman’s movie score and you have a forgotten classic. Holy decent-game-nostalgia, Batman!

Here’s the final boss battle:

WWF ROYAL RUMBLE (LJN, Super Nintendo)
This was a real favourite among me and my friends back when the WWF was every kids’ number one favourite thing. We used to play ‘pass the pad’, so whoever got knocked out of the Royal Rumble battle royal had to pass their joypad to the next player. Awesome days!

YOSHI’S ISLAND (Nintendo, Super Nintendo)
This might seem like an obvious choice for this list but I think it has been forgotten for a number of reasons. Firstly, it came out right at the end of the Super Nintendo’s lifespan, when people’s attention was being caught by the likes of the Playstation and Saturn. Secondly, it wasn’t strictly a Mario game, so it isn’t counted in the same family as Super Mario World (even though it was a direct sequel).

Regardless, I still adored this game and think the graphics and charm still hold up and are breathtaking even today. If you can find this in a retro shop with an old console – BUY IT. A great way to spend some time.

SUPER CASTLEVANIA IV (Konami, Super Nintendo)
Perhaps my favourite SNES game ever – even though I’ve never completed it. It’s tempting to call Super Castlevania IV a work of art. It’s beautiful. The graphics, the score, the way the game builds up as you progress through Dracula’s castle. It’s impossible to not fall in love with this game. Each sprite has been so carefully drawn, and each boss battle feels like something epic. This game is available on the Wii’s virtual console. Track it down!

Defining Steve Vai

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Salutations!

How was your week? I spent mine righting some wrongs on BioShock 2 before heading out to a house party for a little bit. After some time spent cavorting and catching up with my uni friends the usual Guitar Hero-related shenanigans occurred. Without blowing my own trumpet (there’s an iPhone app for that!), I’m a bit of a Guitar Hero whizz. So, naturally, comparisons between myself and someone else began to fill the room…

Now that we have started getting to know each other, I feel that I have to address something.

OK, here goes…

I AM NOT STEVE VAI!

Well, I am, just not the Steve Vai.

OK, to some people, maybe I am the Steve Vai.

What I’m saying is; I am not Steve Vai the famous rock guitarist. Here are a list of reasons why you shouldn’t confuse me with him:

  1. I cannot play the guitar (although I make sweet music on my PS3!)
  2. I am not in a rock band (except on Rock Band of course)
  3. I am not white (!!!)
  4. I do not have long hair
  5. Steve Vai has toured with David Lee Roth – I don’t even know who he is! (Quick Google… I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS!)

OK, you get the idea. However, in researching my namesake I discovered that he started his own record label exclusively for “artists that have attained the highest performance level on their chosen instruments.”

With this in mind, I would like to refer Mr Vai to my online slots account

As a tribute to Steve Vais the world over, I’d like to dedicate this YouTube video of the man with The World’s Greatest Name:

Rock on and, until next time, Don’t Stop BeSteveing!