knocking down walls since 1986…
mint man theres been a new pack released for wwe all stars and this time its got three of the biggest southern stars in wwe history.
for about £2.99 you can download big boss man, michael hayes and mark henry not bad eh? well itll certainly keep be busying between bouts reading crazy bus lady lterature and Embarking On Future Pursuits!
just a quickie from me will be back later in the week!!!
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as vai is now the worlds number one satirist, taking a sideways glance at current events is my default position. literally – ive hurt my neck!
you will all know that the e3 games exhibition is currently going on and its a very exciting time for hardcore (single) gamers like vai. however whats really got on vais wick is this guy steve jobs from apple. hes at a different conference and hes all like ‘iphone is the number one gaming system’. er, no, its a phone mate. even though vai hasnt left the house in three months even he knows that people arent daft enough to be playing games on their phone!
with this in mind i have decided to ‘satirise’ the heck out of steve jobs! you can see the results below.
what is real gaming is online casino play. thats something vai can get behind! just this week vai cleared up on low stake roulette which means he doesnt have to bother getting a job for at least 3-5 days. pretty sweeeeeet, huh?!
ive also been playing la noire which if you dont know is all about los angeles but the dark side of it. its pretty cool being able to go all around the city and that but i dont like the intimidation and questioning etc sometimes i just want to take a machine gun to people!!!!
other good new games on the horizon include battlefield 3 which looks to be the best farming game ever. i hope it truly captures the arable and pastoral experience and maybe you can play it online or something.
i am going to make my farm, hire dave c and then sack him just because i can! haha
vai really would make a great farmer…
check:
that means honky tonky man is in wwe all stars avin a laff with the other ones which is good as it means i dont have to leave the house ill just play this and deal or no deal!!!
also rumoured to be downloadeded characters are big boos man and my neighbour harry haha just kidding hazza. ‘stick it up ya jumper!’
a new video is out for WWE All Stars and it is making vai JACKED!!! this is exactly the kinda game i can hold in brenda 35′s face and say “whos sad and lonely now woman?!” haha she aint got game… i got game… wrestling game!!!
the latest video on the computers is the cage match, in which a cage is placed around the ring to invite a higher amount of outside interference. its not like hell in a cell – a cage match is smaller and doesnt have a roof. like dave c’s house after the fire.
reminds me of the old days when i had a mega cd (way better than playstation mate) and i had wwf rage in da cage. this was probably the mintiest wrestling game ever, but it didnt have donk the clown in. if it did i would have put a donk on it hahaha if you wanna know what donk is check this…
anyway here is a review of rage in the cage to wet your apetit for wwe all stars
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well its tonight on raw folks, and my friend wf2008 has his thoughts on who is behind 02.21.11…
wf2008 has a lot of great dvds if you’d ever like to see some of them they are here:
thanks for all the emails asking if im ok after i broke up with brenda 35 im just fine just tryin to get on with things…
yeah vai likes the chicks. no diggity! it’s in the bag. yeah so this girl (let’s just call her ‘reddeadbrenda’) was all up in my face on msn. kept nudging me, inviting me to play ‘mad penguin race’ and have a laugh. nah, vai likes to take it slow with the womenkind.
five minutes later we agreed to go nandos for a chicken. it was a good chicken and i had banter with brenda (35) about how she cuts chicken like a n00b! vai loves havin banter and getting to know someone with a good long chat, however, something was missing in the middle of this one, namely a call of duty deathmatch.
vai loves call of duty. in fact, he even had a role in coding it because of my job. Click here to see what I do for a living!
brenda has 3 kids and one of them is dave c’s age. maybe he can replace dave c who i am sick of when he gets out of jail? anyway, back to the date…
after we ate some chicken we went to the all-night tesco to cause some shit. basically, we rearranged the milk so that the fresh stuff was at the front and the old stuff was at the back! hahaha take that cows! anarchy!
then it all went out of order as brenda started rubbing my leg. i told her no, vai cant kiss anyone while his life is in turmoil and he is waiting for his father to come. she said that she never knew her father and needed a father figure, so i put her onto the work of david icke. with a little bit of luck she will be just fine!
i’m a big fan of the metal gears series of games. i love the way solid snake crawls in the grass and gets everybody. i particularly like it when he chokes people out. yea, take that mr collins head of year 9!!!
anyway, ive been stuck on my own in the house since Monday because dad has gone away to fight the lizards and mum is staying with her auntie violet, so ive had plenty of time to think about the next metal gears sold game.
ok so first of all lets get rid of solid snakes. the name of the new hero is stefan vee. he is an anglo-japanese supersoldier made from fire and he lives in an apartment in new york. sure he likes chicks but he doesn’t need them. then one day liquid snake comes round to his flat in a car with bombs on it and starts messing about, so stefan and his sidekick dan B (deaf) knock him out COLD.
i think this would be a great game because it would operate in 5d which is 3d but with added Death and Destruction. also the soundtrack is by doctor dre and fleetwood mac (random).
if you press up down left right square triangle square on the title screen you get to play half life 2 (if you want).
the emphasis of the game is stealth though so sometimes you cant see whats happening but its ok because in that way its like life.
here is a little screen shot i have mocked up:
so that’s my idea for metal gear solid shhhhh! I hope you like it it costs £70 and comes with a free mouse mat with has a laser pen built in.
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vai has had a great idea for a game. check this…
we’ve had grand theft auto 3
and grand theft auto 4
now let’s have…
GRAND THEFT AUTO 5!!!
bOoM – your mind’s just been blown!!
the idea just came to me while i was drinking some fanta in a car. basically me and dave c were parked up in sainsbo’s car park chatting the shiz, looking to score some ched from a delhi on the way home, when he mentioned that he hoped that nintendo pull their finger out and follow up their best game ever (GTA4)
so ive been thinking bout what i’d put into the game. guns are a given, but more massive ones? how about if you could just pick up a kettle and chuck it at someone? pretty realistic according to dave c (his parents were divorced in the famous c vs c case in 1999 and his mum aint allowed homewares no mo)
right, massive guns and kettles. how about graphics so good you can see their brains? or cars so realistic you can literally actually physically generally smell the tyres burning (scratch n sniff on the box)?
here’s a vai mock-up (not to be reproduced anywhere, nintendo!!!)…
as you can see batman is in it and godzilla and lou ‘chase me chase me’ carpenter from neighbours (license pending – hes on holiday AGAIN!!!). this is so the game can appeal to comic book fans, the japanese and used car salesmen. basically, hidden in the city (Bad City, USA) are 50 framed pictures of lou carpenters and you have to collect them all to get a prize (another massive gun).
of course, the establishment once again wont listen to my ideas (super mario brushers was a great idea, by the way. as was sonic the cow.) but i’ve come to expect that now…
… but vai aint givin up
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“yeah just put it back in my room when youre done”
amazing words vai heard on christmas day 1998 when i asked my dad if the nintendo 64 set up in his room was for me. i ran downstairs and set it up and plugged in goldeneye – the greatest shooting game since world war 2 or a ched session on the numbers.
I quikly deleted my dads, mums and dads friends save games (theyd made it look like theyd bought the n64 for themselves to put young vai off the xmas scent – a nice conspiracy, but one none the less. lizards!!!) and before i knew it was banging my way through the game.
great memories. i remember spending hours on multiplayer games and always being surprised when i walked into the proximity mines id set up with the other controller. best. multiplayer. ever.
apparently theyre making a new goldeneye on the wii but wii is for kids man!!! they should put it on pc where all the best games are like solitaire and mindsweeper (haha just a joke). i don’t know what the new goldeneye on wii will look like but i reckon it’ll be like this…
back to the original and it had all the great characters in it like bobjob and jaws and piers morgan and it was probably the best n64 game ever made. even though its on wii and only children and japanese people play on them i am still looking forward to the sequel.
overall i rate goldeneye an f scott fitzgerald (9 out of 10):
“He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced–or seemed to face–the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself.” – The Great Gatsby
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before tracey chapman and the internet opened my eyes to what the world is really like, i used to write video game reviews like this. vai’d like to get back to that top-class level of journihilsm with my thoughts on some computer games and hopefully i can get an online following that can help me get away from you people forever like charlie brooker (hes on twitter). i’m gonna be the arctic monkeys of games reviews – your dad is gonna love me. anyway, gears of war 2!!!
when i first heard about gears of war, i thought “finally a game about mountain bikes!” in 1999, vai submitted a proposal to e.a. sports for a mountain bike game called ‘fifa bikes’ in which famous footballers of the time fought each other on mountain bikes road rash style. here’s a screenshot from my pitch:
as you can see, i could only get a licence from former man united player david may (he’ll do anything if the price is right. and if it isn’t if im honest 
) so david may was the only playable character and i couldn’t get any team licences so i had to raise money from advertising (hence the advert for the x files film, which was a 7) to pay for teams in the finished copy.
anyway, did vai hear back from ea sports? nope. ten years later what happens? gears of war, a complete rip-off of the original idea i had pretty much FTW good times fact livin the dream that is all. even the main characters are as bland and interchangeable as my original idea!!!!
the main aim of gears of war 2 is to kill a load of illegal aliens and then turn it off and trade it for call of duty 6: kill everyone. you can play 2 players at the same time like in real life tennis so me and dave c have been caning it while listening to some tracey and smoking some ched (new drug we’ve made from cheese and drugs). we got to the final boss and we’re so rarsted on ched and adrenalin we pretended it was alan sugars from tv’s ‘thapprentice’ and kept shouting ‘youre fired’ as we fired at him haha.
sound 83%, graphics 7 out of 5, and playability 3-0.
total score = “327 for 6 not out”
thumbs firmly in the middle of ‘up’.
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