What did I tell you – beautiful isn’t she? dave c just doesn’t understand women yet – hes just a kid. what does he know? he thinks it’s all about girls who wear short skirts who are ‘up for a fun time’. What he doesnt get is that its actually about soul and personality. When tracey sings you can really see deep into her soul, you really get what shes been through. one of my favourite of her songs is ‘across the lines’ i think it was this song that made me really love her. shes a true woman who deserves respect – not like the girls that dave c messes around with. one day though, he’ll learn – when he meets his own tracey, then there’ll be a revolution against all those rats that hang around kfc.

my name is steve kam vai and i am an exposer of truths. if you are unfamiliar with my work, i operate off the radar on my internet blog in order to track down lizards and free the world of evil tyranny. when im not doing that, i have a part time job in debt consolidation loans.

i am writing to you today because i am having difficulty establishing myself as THE steve vai. this needs to happen if i am to cement myself as an internet maverick (in 2010, i actually turned my computer OFF for 10 minutes. thats how much of a net rebel i am). now i am not belittling your work – i myself was in a band with my mate dave c -but i believe that what i am doing online is more important than your metal guitars.

so what i am asking from you is that you change your name in order to accommodate my revolution. when people type ‘steve vai’ into the internet i want them to see me first and not you. i dont want them to see steve vai scientology or steve vai simpsons or steve vai dragons den, just steve vai as in me.

now i realise that this is a big ask, but i think its a good ask. i am on a very serious mission to eliminate the lies and untruths being spread by evil lizards living in the earth’s core, whereas you are living in a dream world. music is very last week, where as my project is three weeks on tuesday by comparison.

this isnt a threat or a demand but if there is one thing i know its that i can bong anybody on the internet. if you would like to test me on this, my xbox live user name can be provided and we can settle this over a game of call of duty.

i await your reply, steve vai.

your namesake

steve vai

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anyway if you want to follow the ultimate warrior twitter account you can do just by clicking the link. be warned though – just like vai he aint for the feint hearted!

here are my favourite warrior tweets so far…

• “Brian Knobs mocking the death of Randy Savage is disgusting. He will pay, along with his best friend Hogan. No respect. Pathetic Chump.”
• “@HulkHogan4Real Karma is coming to collect Terry.”
• “@TherealRVD looking good man!”

with the recent pwnage of hulk hogan by honky tonk man (similar to how i pwned my ex brenda35) i think its going to be a great period for wrestling fans on twitter new and old alike!

the spyware took the form of this weird screensaver thing that activated after 20 seconds of inactivity on my comp. it then showed funny internet videos of things like a dog on a bike. it would then be really hard to stop, to the point that you had to ‘ctrl-alt-delete’ the heck out of it just so itd go away!

it was pretty scary, but luckily vai used his android phone to get on the net and find a cure which came in the form of a windows registry cleaner thing. now my computer is back and running at a great pace!!

luckily my xbox360 was not hit by this latest computer attack from the lizards. at first i had visions of the network problems playstation 3 users have had that were supposedly caused by my buddies the anonymous although i doubt cos they defo would have text me letting me know what the craic is. anyway turns out my xbox live was affected a bit because when i next played it i didnt win at fifa 11 or wwe all stars for ages but its better than them taking my brian i guess!

so this week i will be extra cautious in everything i do. my weekly trip out of the house has been postponed while the storm dies down, so grandma will just have to go without her shopping this week. whats more, i have double-layered the tinfoil hat i wear around the house. this is good for keeping out radio waves and providing extra warmth!

so vai has decided to put together a top 5 of tracey chapman hits. a bit like top of the pops: tracey chapman edition but with the video stuck halfway through a song.

without much further a do…

Give Me One Reason
“Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it. Do not count on them. Leave them alone.” – Ayn Rand

Thinking of You
everybody thinks in a way. vai thinks of course. and not just common stuff. vai thinks with split-second call of duty reflexes like none of the n00bs on xbox live!!! and he certainly doesnt think like dave c who once bought an APPLE MAC! what a gimp! this is also the perfect soundtrack for a game of gold rally.

neva give up!

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how did you first find out about the internet?
I first used it in October 1990 when I started my 3-year degree course at Keele University, in Computer Science and Management Science. I got a 2.2 – which was made up of a 2.1 in Management and a 3rd in Computers. Basically, I only learned how to use the internet in black and white, and couldn’t write a program to save my life. I still can’t.

what is your all-time favourite website?
I couldn’t live with just one, but for all its faults, I guess one of the best must be Youtube. You can spend all day on there looking at all kinds of things, but it’s a shame they’re so heavy-handed when it comes to taking down copyrighted material or allowing auto-blocking in a channel’s own country. As long as the channel owner isn’t making money from it, and especially if the content isn’t available anywhere else, they should realise that the users are doing this for the love of the subject. Also, some distributors will allow programmes whereas others won’t – it’s all far too arbitrary.

do you miss ‘dial-up’?
Oh definitely. The joys of waiting days for a 6Mb file to download….

what was the first thing you ever downloaded?
Music, most likely. Small files. Can’t remember what, though.

if you could download anything in the world, what would it be?
Tangible objects. It’d save waiting forever for the post to come.

is it true you used to do stand up comedy?
Yes. I did a total of 23 gigs, mostly spaced far too far apart, but while I got some laughs, I also got some tumbleweed moments and overall it felt like I didn’t get as much out of it, reaction-wise from the audience – and sometimes NO audience!, as I put in all to the practice and rehearsal. I enjoyed it for what it was and have met a lot of people through it and am now organising a New Act night at the Hope Inn, Stockport every third Friday of the month. There’s also another night on the first of the month with established comedians and the occasional up-and-coming ones. Some great nights out for everyone!

have you ever done cyber-dating?
Yes, and it was a complete disaster. If you think some of the people you can meet in normal circumstances are odd, I met one girl who was totally off the charts. Deserved to be locked up in a mental asylum. If I ever go back to stand-up, I might throw in a story about her…

do you play online gaming?
Not really. I tried Xbox Live for 2-3 years when I first got an Xbox, but as much as I enjoyed playing the occasional game I just never get the time for it so stick to the single-player modes.

where did you originally get the idea to do videos just like charlie brookers?
I started doing a few piece-to-camera videos back in mid-2007, one about the smoking ban and another about Gordon Brown (“Gordon is a moron”). I didn’t intend for them to look in a Charlie Brooker style at first, it was just convenient to sit in front of my PC and place the camera in front of me. Only a few Charlie Brooker shows had aired by then so it wasn’t a deliberate copy, but I was certainly influenced in early 2010 when I came to do a few videos like that. However, I soon learned it’s not worth doing similar things on Youtube with long clips of TV programmes because the broadcasters sometimes take videos down.

have you ever been ‘flamed’ or pranked on the internet?
Well, there’ll always be people who have a moan about some of the stuff that gets put online, even if it’s something as innocuous as one of my mash-up videos, but you can’t please everyone. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to watch!

what wouldn’t you put online?
Anything that could be classed illegal, I guess. It wouldn’t be what my videos are about anyway, but when it comes to humour there are no limits. Once you start putting limits on humour then you destroy creative freedom.

if you had to get rid of facebook or twitter, which would it be?
Neither, I use them too much. I have a lot of good friends who I also communicate with via Facebook, and on Twitter I’ve even got a few celeb followers from various TV programmes, often news-based, so I love that.

what would be your advice to someone trying to be funny on the internet?
Do what makes you happy, mainly. Listen to advice from others and see where you can improve things (a good site to post videos on, but I am looking for more, is B3ta), but most of all, enjoy it! When I get lots of hits on a video, I get the kind of buzz from that which I didn’t get from doing stand-up.

what is your proudest online achievement?
Reaching the 10-year milestone with DVDfever.co.uk on February 25th, 2010. I’d been doing reviews online before that, since the mid-90s, but that is when the website officially reached an age in double figures.

dom’s ‘mash-up’ work…

dom’s older stuff…

“Once you start putting limits on humour then you destroy creative freedom.” – Dom ‘Domsez’ Robinson

we found this guy DomSezXL and hes proper antiestablishment like we are. heres his youtubes:

welcome to the revolution, don!!

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“When it comes to art, we all like a challenge,” – he said about the next film in the series about the intergalactic alien killer convict.

vai cannot wait! there’s no proper release date yet but rest assured as soon as its ‘available’ vai will be ‘downloading it’ ‘illegally’ from a ‘torrent site’. Davce c will be so jealous he defo cant watch it til i know it. n00b!

art is challenging

christmas was ok but it was new year that was the most win. i took brenda 35 to an all-night gaming party at kyoto lounge where i played call of duty and brenda played call of duty in her head (shes still drinking till feb). anyway if you are in manchester you should go to kyoto lounge it is next to a deaf centre.

lets have a look in the mailbag…

“Dear Steve,
I hate you. I am going to kill you and your geek friends.
Callum”

haha hes a joka callum! hes brenda 35s ex husband, and he has a tattoo of her on his head! luckily i get on quite well with him, otherwise i’d be in trouble.

“To Mr Vai,
Your mortgage payments are now four months overdue. If your mortgage payments remain unpaid your home is at risk. Please contact our advisors immediately.
Steve McClean
Mortgage Advisor”

dunno!

“Steve,
You are obviously a very cultured man with a great sense of humour. Which is your favourite Ernest film?
Yours,
Michael”

Ernest In A Cage!

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brenda 35 got a right shock when i woke her up from her sleep wearing it. she pretended she didnt know who i was and started shouting something about her ex husband (who is still sending me jokey threats haha).

what does vai normally do on christmas day? things will be different this year, as dad is still away and mum is having it with dad’s friend kenny from work. ive had to plan things, and here is my schedule:

steve vai’s christmas

9am – wake up, go on msn and give dave c a nudge

9.30am – have the traditional vai christmas breakfast of ‘french toast in silence’

10am – open presents! put christmas dinner in oven

11am – do some ufc training (running around the back garden in a vest)

1pm – christmas dinner! vai usually has turkey and stuffing for after if you know what i mean haha… (if you don’t know what i mean: In a large frying pan, melt butter over a medium heat. Fry onions and celery together with the dried herbs, salt and pepper, stirring often, until vegetables are tender, about 10-15 minutes. Transfer the mixture to a very large bowl. Add the bread cubes and mix well.)

3pm – more present time, watch chronicles of riddick with vin diesel

6pm – dave c comes round and we go on chatroulette for a bit

8pm – wake up brenda 35, tell her it’s 8am (she is 12 hours behind when she wakes up these days)

10pm – get on warcraft, jeff some n00bs

12am – put brenda 35s phone forward 12 hours when she goes to off licence

3am – sit and wait for brenda 35 to come back. play more warcraft.

7am – when brenda 35 comes home, go to bed!

happy christmas n00bs!!!

it all started on saturday night when vai and brenda 35 sat down to watch the weekly x factor show. wagner was on, and i was just about to vote for him ironically when… BOOM! the cable box is cut off and the phone is gone too! looks like the lizards have an interest in the x factor now (this explains dannii minogue)!

vai jibs off to a phone box to ring virgin and they say that we havnt paid our bill. great, i thought, now virgin are in on it too. i headed home and put a sign on the door saying “go away virgin”.

dave c usually visits every day but he hasnt been round since saturday night. i cannot rule out the possibility that he is currently getting brainwashed on a slab. the only person i can truly trust these days is brenda 35, whose brain could never ever be washed as it is more or less dead from drinking! oh and mum’s friend kenny who buys me cans from the stupid idiot off licence.

of course, we cant rule out lizard attack at this stage in the investigation (brenda 35 is quizzing the guy in the off licence as we speak. and no i don’t need i.d., mate) nor can we rule out the idea that my father is somehow involved (the lizards are now sending us life insurance letters as if we’re gonna fall for that one!).

oh and of course wagner got voted out. call that democracy cowell???

so to conclude on cablegate:
- virgin are liars and cut my cable!
- wagner is a fallen hero of the revolution
- dave c is probably brainwashed
- kenny is ok

going to ufc practice now bye!