man 1: “hi alan. have you got the drugs?”

man 2: “you betcha, conan. i hope youve got the right change this time!”

man 1: “haha”

man 2: “haha”

man 1: “well, you are probably best passing the drugs over to me then.”

man 2: “ok. I will put them in your hand now.”

man 1: “ok.”

just at that moment a man kicks down the door of the house. he is wearing a black leather trenchcoat and is of oriental descent. he has matrix glasses and a good heart. his name is stefan vee and you just know he has a sick mobile phone.

stefan vee: “why don’t you put this in your hand, baby?!”

stefan vee gets out a massive gun and starts firing at the roof. the men start to run and hide behind the tv. unfortunately, vee has shot a whole in the ceiling and a couch falls through it and lands perfectly. two girls are on the couch in bikinis.

stefan vee: “ladies… how nice of you to drop in on a couch.”

the girls giggle and vee gets out some cards to show them a magic trick but one of the drug men charges at him. vee simply gets his hand out and punches him right in the mush with his hand.
stefan vee: “now that’s what i call a punch in the face.”

there is just one man left, shaking behind the tv. vee lights a cigarette.

stefan vee: “you know, mr drug man, my favourite superhero is superman. now batman and spider-man they became heroes, but superman was born one. he arrived here from krypton factor and he said ‘hey baby here i am!!!’ and that was that. that was superman. the man of steal, yet he always gave it to the poor, you dig? so i guess what i’m saying is…

… who turned out the lights?”

vee shoots the television and it gets slightly darker.

vee: “welcome to channel vee.”

i had a strange weekend mainly, although it was nice to see dave c but not so nice to meet his cousin big c. he’s got a girlfriend so hes obviously scared of being alone unlike vai whos a lone warrior 4-lyf. his girlfriend was called ’sky’ (whatever that means) and you could tell it was a rubbish relationship as they hadn’t even bothered to meet online! how can you fully trust someone you haven’t met online in advance, giving you the chance to fully vet them and find out who they are? how do these people expect to have a loving relationship without advanced online verification?

my experiences with girls are limited but by my choice. i dont want to get involved with someone in case they get killed by lizards looking to send me a message. also i have back eczema on my back. i look like toasted granary bread.

having dismissed steve c and his daft girlfriend i left dave to entertain them (traitor) and headed online to make some cash. as the roulette wheel span around and around i thought about my dad and whether the lizards were subjecting him to any torture. i cant rule out the idea that they stripped him completely half naked and put him in a bin with some spikes and then shook the bin and rolled it down a hill into a wall made of fire and sorrow. like in that film.

might get my haircut today but dunno.

red dead revolver is by the same rock stars who made grand theft auto 4 – steve tyler and brian eno – and is set in the wild wild west. i have heard if you do really well on it you can play as maverick starring mel gibson???

the main point of this game is to shoot everybody right in the face, and get a new hat. i really really enjoyed this and dave c kept doing the theme tune from ‘good and bad and ugly’ while i was playing, but he kept getting the lyrics wrong!

whats really cool is you can play ‘texas hold me’ so i have lots of experience with it due to my roots playing online casino games.

due to legal issues i cant publish a screenshot of the game but i can do a reimagination of it. ive tried to capture the essence of shooting everyone and then getting on a horse.

overall i would say that you will like this game whether you like it or not! It is on both xbox 360 and playstations 3 and i have bought it for both so i can experience it 100%! dave c didnt mind paying because hes a good friend.

in terms of graphics i give it a ‘yes’, in terms of sound i would say its ‘100% OK’ and sound effects are also very nice. when it comes to soundtrack i would rate it highly and the audio is also very good. volume-wise it is a stand-out performer and its music is excellent. its also good to listen too.

overall: thanks very much!!

\sv/

me and my dad haven’t ever spent too much time together. even that time when i was seven and i locked us in the shed together so he didn’t have to go to work just resulted in him smashin in the windows to escape to the office. but this week, when the chips, and the internet, were down, he was right there for me.

how? well he came home on monday night after id finished work and we all sat down for dinner. my mum then told him about what happened with the internet and said that we couldn’t as a family keep having these problems.

then my dad – the hero – stepped up to the plate. enraged about the way the lizards were treating his family, he threw down his knife and fork, pointed at my mother and walked upstairs. three minutes later he left the house carrying a suitcase, no doubt full of weapons and documents designed to bring down The Men (lizards).

so where does this leave the rest of the vai family? well, i suppose i am now the primary breadwinner while father is fighting the system, so i’ll be looking after mum as well as sending money to tracey chapman when i can. dave c can be my right-hand man, naval commander and photoshop guy and mum can do the cooking and washing up.

It’s not gonna be easy without my dad, but the revolution is definitely back on track and it’s thanks to the hero that is my father.

‘revolution begins at home, baby’ – napoleon

whats worried me the most is the size of the conspiracy. apparently virgin media are involved, along with some creditors and my dads business adviser. i never trusted him, for the record.

heres what went down: vai reads a book about the rise of the one world government on saturday night. on sunday, vai stays up til half three typing words like ‘conspiracy’, ‘new world order’ and ‘funniest bits of jackass’ into google (also in on it?). then on monday – no more internet for vai.

being without the internet has really hampered my plans and social life. i tried using dave c’s at his house but he’s not allowed online after 8pm because he once tried to download a lot of rap. annoying, and also i dont think i can trust dave’s dad mr c as he once gave me a funny look when i wore my nirvana tshirt. plus, he makes home brew and thats just weird.

who was behind this then? mum says it was the banks not taking the direct debit, and that sounds like exactly the kind of stunt those lizards have been pulling for years. i can tell the whole event (we also had our car ‘accidentally taken’ for a few days in another ‘admin mix-up’) is starting to get to my mum as shes started drinking and shouting at dad more than ever. its like the time he was nearly made redundant but worse. i wonder what it is.

no i dont. its the lizards. first they shut down teletext, then they lie about tracey chapmans death, now they come for vai.

now ive got the net back ive made sure the lizards will never take it down again. ive put a load of sellotape around the router so that should stop illegal tamperers from submitting crashes to it. i also thought about putting it in the freezer cos the lizards would never think to look in there but then i remembered dave c’s cat.

\sv/

vai doesn’t wanna dwell on the scientology s***t as we all know how dangerous it is to talk about it online after that councillor got e-slapped by the s-gang.

all i gotta say is you guys stay away from tracey or vai and dave c gonna get ya! and we ain’t talkin online pwning here. were talking proper stealing dave’s dad’s gun and come looking for xenu!

after a few shifts this week (I’m a high-end heavyweight programmer for a mobile games operator based in Cheltenham. It really is quite pleasant and well-paid and I like the people) i chilled out at the weekend with dave c and watched chornicles of riddick one of the best films ever!

vai strongly urges you to either sdsl line it (u know what vai’s sayin) or get yo dvd on and relax with some classic vin.

the film is all about a guy called vin diesel and hes messin about on the ice planet of hoth and then he goes to the helium planet to see mam. then all hell breaks loose and the necromongs come and fight everybody and before you know it boom boom boom THANDIE NEWTON!!! and im standing in front of the tv saying ‘yo this shiz is fine!!!!’ and dave c’s like ‘i want my mommy’ but i know its just jokez.

next up we drove around and listened to some tracey chapman in the all-night carwash and worked out a plan to keep her safe while the plot against her dies down.

i gotz no more to say brrrap.

It has come to my attention that the singer/songwriter/guitar-player Tracey Chapman is not dead. Believe me, I found this information out the hard way on Friday night (Wikipedia). Firstly, I would just like to say that, although I was wrong to publish such unverified information, I think it is quite obvious that me and my friend Dave C have been duped as part of a much-wider conspiracy that may even go as high up as Blair.

Tracey Chapman sings about revolution and driving quickly to places in a way that could only be described as ‘anarchic’. Obviously, this has proved too big of a pill for the powers-that-be to swallow and, by feigning a death, they are trying to keep me, my manifesto, our revolution and Tracey Chapman as far away from each other as possible. I can’t claim to know exactly how The Lizards In Westminster hacked into our car radio that fateful night in McDonald’s car park, but what I do know is that Tracey Chapman is now a vital part of our mission to seek The Truth about this world and expose the lies our government feeds us every day.

Steve Vai is a seeker of truth, and now he is a seeker of Tracey Chapman. Tracey, if you’re reading this, please do not answer your phone or eat brown bread (this may kill you. The Lizards have a sense of human revolving around cockney rhyming slang. While you’re at it, avoid fruit stalls not on the ground floor).

Friends of this blog, the time for action is now. If you know Tracey Chapman, tell her me and Dave C have left some family size bottles of Sprite and a Twix ‘rollin, rollin, rollin on the river’. She’ll know what you mean. We’ve also left some foil and a bag of crisps. Just in case.

Don’t give up,

\sv/

P.S. I also thought Tracey Chapman was a man. Sorry about that, love.

i put it to dave like this: what’s more important, kickin some corporate lizard ass on my dad’s leased line or a gnvq in business textiles? exactly.

so me and dave bought some leather jackets and then went to mcdonalds drive thru and when they asked us what we wanted to order we said: “how about some money for the poor people you killed to make a big mac? how about some justice with a side order of revolution?” she didn’t reply.

we drove round to the window and it turns out the machine wasn’t working so she didn’t hear us. dave’s asthma was kicking in a bit so we just ordered some nuggets and sat in the car park.

then we heard the news on the radio that tracey chapman had died.

if you don’t know who tracey chapman is, he wrote the songs ‘electric avenue’ and ‘ghostbusters’. he was like a slower bob marley but alive. until now. then the dj played ‘talkin bout a revolution’ and i knew what i had to do.

i marched back into mcdonalds, picked up a load of napkins and threw them on the floor. then i walked up to the front counter and told one of the ‘managers’ “that was for tracey”.

i got back in the car and waited for dave to come back. he’d gone to the toilet in the meantime. i sat thinking about the statement i had just made, and whether i could put it on a tshirt and sell it outside sixth form colleges. dave came back and when i asked why he’d taken so long he said it was because an employee called tracey was shouting and crying at people behind the counter in the restaurant.

i patted dave on the shoulder. i knew what he had seen was just a grief-stricken hallucination caused by the mcfumes.

“i see tracey too, dave.

“i see tracey too.”

they don’t really mean ’save the queen’! check out this comment on the youtube clip:

“I heard when sid wearing a swastikha t shirt and man walked up to him and said”Im jewish mate do you know how offencive that is”. In reply sid hugged him and sayed i love you. classic pistols”

can’t beat a bit of anarchy on a tuesday!

meeting up with dave c to cause some trouble when we’ve both finished working at our prospective jobs. then we might climb on a roof and throw sticks at pigeons – you can’t stop me dad!

got some propa playa plans for the weekend too. hitting up an internet casino to have a laugh with some marks (strangers). can you say chat roulette? haha probably not as the government controls ya mouth mate!

Oh, I wish I had got that job in London.

psych!!! see how easy it is to lie to the entire internet? that’s what i’ve been doing on this blog haha proper wound up all 15 of yas!

just waiting for dave c to turn up in his vectra. we call it the ‘wu tang car’ hahaha hes a dirty old man nah hes only 15! how’s he got a car then, you might ask? let’s just say you can download anything on torrent these days!
right i gotta and cause trouble then go pizza hut.

yeah…

keep on rollin’ partners…

you know what time it is…

\sv/

Within, like, 10 seconds I was lost. I had to ask for instructions to the tube station and finally found it. Then, I realised I didn’t have a ticket so I had to go back and buy a dayrider. Pretty expensive, and pretty hectic. Guess I’ll have to get used to this if (when!) I move to the Big Smoke.

I finally found the building where my (hopefully) new work will be. I checked in at reception and felt nervous. Shock horror! I’d forgotten to eat the sandwiches my mum made for me! Oh well, they’d have to wait until the train home later.
The nice interview lady called me in and I walked confidently into the room… 10 minutes later I was out. Nice and simple, kept all my answers short and to one-word and they seemed to be very impressed that I didn’t have any questions to ask them, showing I was sure I was the man for the job.

I left the building convinced I’d be back soon enough. I breathed in the clean London air and breathed out again, coughing a little due to nerves. Like the victorious man my father always wanted me to be, I strode back to the tube station and got lost twice on the way back to London Euston. It didn’t matter though – I was a man about to move to the big city, ready to make it in this world, and with a French sandwich in my bag!