if there are two things that vai loves, its ‘motion’ and ‘capture’, so xbox kinect was always gonna be a winner, especially at a price that will hardly see you running for debt consolidation advice. if you dont know what kinect is, its basically nintendo wii with dignity i.e. you flail your whole body about rather than just your hand like a fool. also it was released five years after the wii so you know theyve had time to be more original and better!!!

if theres one thing id say is a downer about it its that if you have a girlfriend who likes a drink she could ruin the games for you. especially if shes a ‘falling over drunk’. cant blame brenda 35 for that though, she was the one who got it for me! no receipt though weird.

my favourite kinect game is running as i find it helps with my ufc training. also the boxing is quite good but sometimes i get confused because i can see me on the screen and i just start punching myself. i havent won it yet! Haha

sound effects on kinect are very good i give them 91%. graphics good too but i spose it depends on how attractive you are?

so overall i say kinect is well better than wii because it uses all your body instead of just your hand. also it is more grown up because you can get more violent games on xbox. i cant wait to get grand theft auto 5 on kinect cos then itll be like acting like a real person! on wii if they made grand theft auto 5 it probably wouldn’t even work!

im not a wii h8r but just saying cos it annoys me that nintendo get props for just making a stick whereas microsoft has clearly come up with the next step in human-game evolution.

vai sez:
graphics: depends on your eyesight
sound: a-ok
other: sound
overall: boom

this one goes out to all da hatters out there who give me giref on msn vais had enuff and i hope these pictures make you realise that!!!!

\sv/

well once again the british justice system (bj’s haha) has lied to vai. first there was the ‘admin error’ which saw me spend a night in the cells in 2006 for ‘stealing files’ from a local millets, now this.

basically on friday i heard that fifa11 were due to be released. now i hadn’t heard of fifa11 but i always like it when the bj’s admit their mistake and release prisoners. so i sat at my computer all day glued to google news and what did i find?

nothing.

zilch.

nadda.

how long will the lizards in power be able to get away with lying to us? first fifa11, then gamu on x factors, now this. you know what the real kicker is? apparently there is a fifa11 computer game, so the whole thing was obviously a publicity stunt to raise money for lizards.

oh well at least i have a 35 year old girlfriend. brenda is great, well better than dave c’s girlfriend who is 16. as far as age difference goes, would you rather have a 35 guns or 16? exactly! haha dave c is such a n00b last week i stole his coat and sold it he doesnt even know!

me and brenda like to watch the inbetweens on monday night. she said the boys in it remind her of her son who died but i dunno because from what ive heard about him he wasnt that funny. anyway, the thing i like most about the inbetweens is how much it reminds me of school days i.e. i used to bully guys like that on msn! especially the glasses one, mr android!! NUDGE!

nah it is a little bit like when i was in school, except with fewer chinese. whys that then, channel 4? afraid?

off for a game of fifa 11! as they say on the inbetweens: “BUSES!!!!’

seems like tv be spitting all kinds of stuff about super mario because hes now 25! i cant believe hes actually 25 i remember when he was just a fictional games character! cant beat super mario cars though vroooom!!! screech!!!! red shell!!!!! get out dad!!!

WEEKEND WAS FU oops weekend was fun. didnt really do much just made some plans for the future. one word: lasers.

dads still not back but at least mums not crying as much. dads friend kenny is here an awful lot helping her sleep and fixing the locks which is nice of them but my key was fine? good to be safe though blood!

not seen dave c for a while probably because hes back at school. its his final year so he needs to get his head down otherwise he cant do a-levels and he’ll have to go work in his dads fish shop. last thing that guy needs is fish smell. hes only 15.

deleted my facebook account this week. this means lizards like zuckerberg cant see that i really liked anchorman. gotta be careful these days! is there an app for that? hahaha nah facebook is good and twitter is ok too but to be honest i just prefer msn.

i heard that there is a new sonic game coming out! i hope that its ok and that the graphics are pretty good maybe a 7? oh who knows? vai thinks sonic is better than mario cos he can run fast and he gets rings which are better than coins if you ask me cos you can wear them. also, i like dr robotnik did you know in japan they call him ‘eggman’ haha how can a man be a egg?

I also like knuckles hes a madhead bit like me?

i remember where i was nine years ago today. i was sat in chemistry being top of the class and underappreciated. a lot of people at school were jealous of my brains so i guess thats why they didnt like me but its ok im a rebel yeah. so i was sat in chemistry thinking about how unfair my life was and how i wanted revenge against everyone and suddenly the news of 9-11th came on the news.

well vai didn’t know where to look! we went to the form room where mr thomson hid his scrumpy and watched on the tv. a plane flew into a building. not one, but two! what are the odds?!

109,274,936 to 1.
vai knew it was a conspiracy. let’s look at the evidence.
first of all. who knows how to fly planes? pilots.
who killed jesus? pilate.
what is johnny depp famous for? pirate.
do you see?

it was an inside job. somebody got INSIDE a plane and flew it into a building. the evidence is right in front of us! can we rule out the scientologists? no way. can we rule out tracey chapman being targeted in a similar way? i dont think so. in fact, i can think of at least 20 people who would like to fly a plane into tracey, never those who have!!!

today for 9/11th i am just keeping my head down and trying to win some money. any money i will win i will dedicate to the victims of 9/11th, more specifically 9/12th: the world’s messiest day.

if you are commemorating 9/11th today, vai asks you to keep your head down, dont drink and drive, and keep an eye out for family. you never know when you wont be able to see them again.

last week vai told you all about dave c and his cousin steve c and how i didnt like steve c that much especially his daft girlfriend.

anyway, since then i have discovered that dave c and steve c and skye (shes a bit fat so i call her “sky plus” hahaha ive not spoke to anyone in days) have been hanging out more and more. yesterday i checked dave c’s twitter profile and what did it say:

“i am dave c and im a complete n00b”

hahaha not really (tho he is) but it said this:

“just watched chronicles of riddicks with dave and skye”

w the f?

srsly, w the f?

this is worse than 9/11.

chronicles of riddicks is OUR film that me and dave used to watch whenever his mum and dad argued. we once watched it after doin pure and we had a men-like experience. proper crazy couldnt remember nothing the next day!!

so obviously dave c is now a lizard so i have done the only thing i could and set up a fake twitter account (@davecisanidiot) and been tweeting him some proper truth bombs:

@davec “your mum is so stupid she doesn’t know what a knife is!!!”

@davec “when your dad goes to the shop he gets lost and ends in a park because hes an idiot”

@davec “you are rubbish at halo 3. you probably call it ‘hello 3′ because you make friends with intimate objects. n00b.”

@davec “you think the main character in halo 3 is called masterchef”

@davec “when you invest in real estate youll probably end up buying a bin instead and it will not increase in commercial value as it matures just li…”

@davec “…ke your stupid mum who is also a bin so thats why you bought a bin because you secretly fancy your own mum you pervert.”

vai wins again.

anyway i have now decided to get some new friends. not that i need them cos i can play online bingo and use the money i win to buy some.

friend criteria is as follows:

- no idiots

- must be FULLY literate in C++ and javascript

- mixed race only (its just easier)

- webcam

- 24

- ready to go above and beyond if the revolution requires it

- must like tracey chapman

- dislikes = lizards, world of warcraft players under level 60, dave c

if you would like to be my friend, please get in touch. otherwise, you are scared.

\sv/

we see a house with a drug deal going down in it. there are two men. in the background the tv is showing sopranos (influence???)

man 1: “hi alan. have you got the drugs?”

man 2: “you betcha, conan. i hope youve got the right change this time!”

man 1: “haha”

man 2: “haha”

man 1: “well, you are probably best passing the drugs over to me then.”

man 2: “ok. I will put them in your hand now.”

man 1: “ok.”

just at that moment a man kicks down the door of the house. he is wearing a black leather trenchcoat and is of oriental descent. he has matrix glasses and a good heart. his name is stefan vee and you just know he has a sick mobile phone.

stefan vee: “why don’t you put this in your hand, baby?!”

stefan vee gets out a massive gun and starts firing at the roof. the men start to run and hide behind the tv. unfortunately, vee has shot a whole in the ceiling and a couch falls through it and lands perfectly. two girls are on the couch in bikinis.

stefan vee: “ladies… how nice of you to drop in on a couch.”

the girls giggle and vee gets out some cards to show them a magic trick but one of the drug men charges at him. vee simply gets his hand out and punches him right in the mush with his hand.
stefan vee: “now that’s what i call a punch in the face.”

there is just one man left, shaking behind the tv. vee lights a cigarette.

stefan vee: “you know, mr drug man, my favourite superhero is superman. now batman and spider-man they became heroes, but superman was born one. he arrived here from krypton factor and he said ‘hey baby here i am!!!’ and that was that. that was superman. the man of steal, yet he always gave it to the poor, you dig? so i guess what i’m saying is…

… who turned out the lights?”

vee shoots the television and it gets slightly darker.

vee: “welcome to channel vee.”

well dad hasn’t returned yet but mum has and she has very kindly left a bag with all his stuff in it by the garage door in case he needs to top up on the battle against the lizards… i noticed she didnt leave a note probably because its too hard…

i had a strange weekend mainly, although it was nice to see dave c but not so nice to meet his cousin big c. he’s got a girlfriend so hes obviously scared of being alone unlike vai whos a lone warrior 4-lyf. his girlfriend was called ‘sky’ (whatever that means) and you could tell it was a rubbish relationship as they hadn’t even bothered to meet online! how can you fully trust someone you haven’t met online in advance, giving you the chance to fully vet them and find out who they are? how do these people expect to have a loving relationship without advanced online verification?

my experiences with girls are limited but by my choice. i dont want to get involved with someone in case they get killed by lizards looking to send me a message. also i have back eczema on my back. i look like toasted granary bread.

having dismissed steve c and his daft girlfriend i left dave to entertain them (traitor) and headed online to make some cash. as the roulette wheel span around and around i thought about my dad and whether the lizards were subjecting him to any torture. i cant rule out the idea that they stripped him completely half naked and put him in a bin with some spikes and then shook the bin and rolled it down a hill into a wall made of fire and sorrow. like in that film.

might get my haircut today but dunno.

long before computer games happened the only way to have fun was to go to the desert and shoot people, so i was dead happy when this game came out!

red dead revolver is by the same rock stars who made grand theft auto 4 – steve tyler and brian eno – and is set in the wild wild west. i have heard if you do really well on it you can play as maverick starring mel gibson???

the main point of this game is to shoot everybody right in the face, and get a new hat. i really really enjoyed this and dave c kept doing the theme tune from ‘good and bad and ugly’ while i was playing, but he kept getting the lyrics wrong!

whats really cool is you can play ‘texas hold me’ so i have lots of experience with it due to my roots playing online casino games.

due to legal issues i cant publish a screenshot of the game but i can do a reimagination of it. ive tried to capture the essence of shooting everyone and then getting on a horse.

overall i would say that you will like this game whether you like it or not! It is on both xbox 360 and playstations 3 and i have bought it for both so i can experience it 100%! dave c didnt mind paying because hes a good friend.

in terms of graphics i give it a ‘yes’, in terms of sound i would say its ’100% OK’ and sound effects are also very nice. when it comes to soundtrack i would rate it highly and the audio is also very good. volume-wise it is a stand-out performer and its music is excellent. its also good to listen too.

overall: thanks very much!!

\sv/

despite all of vai’s struggles, i always had a feeling that one day someone would stand up and fight alongside me. and not just dave c (he was instrumental in the lol-battle of kfc grimsby though), i’m talking about my dad.

me and my dad haven’t ever spent too much time together. even that time when i was seven and i locked us in the shed together so he didn’t have to go to work just resulted in him smashin in the windows to escape to the office. but this week, when the chips, and the internet, were down, he was right there for me.

how? well he came home on monday night after id finished work and we all sat down for dinner. my mum then told him about what happened with the internet and said that we couldn’t as a family keep having these problems.

then my dad – the hero – stepped up to the plate. enraged about the way the lizards were treating his family, he threw down his knife and fork, pointed at my mother and walked upstairs. three minutes later he left the house carrying a suitcase, no doubt full of weapons and documents designed to bring down The Men (lizards).

so where does this leave the rest of the vai family? well, i suppose i am now the primary breadwinner while father is fighting the system, so i’ll be looking after mum as well as sending money to tracey chapman when i can. dave c can be my right-hand man, naval commander and photoshop guy and mum can do the cooking and washing up.

It’s not gonna be easy without my dad, but the revolution is definitely back on track and it’s thanks to the hero that is my father.

‘revolution begins at home, baby’ – napoleon