despite all of vai’s struggles, i always had a feeling that one day someone would stand up and fight alongside me. and not just dave c (he was instrumental in the lol-battle of kfc grimsby though), i’m talking about my dad.

me and my dad haven’t ever spent too much time together. even that time when i was seven and i locked us in the shed together so he didn’t have to go to work just resulted in him smashin in the windows to escape to the office. but this week, when the chips, and the internet, were down, he was right there for me.

how? well he came home on monday night after id finished work and we all sat down for dinner. my mum then told him about what happened with the internet and said that we couldn’t as a family keep having these problems.

then my dad – the hero – stepped up to the plate. enraged about the way the lizards were treating his family, he threw down his knife and fork, pointed at my mother and walked upstairs. three minutes later he left the house carrying a suitcase, no doubt full of weapons and documents designed to bring down The Men (lizards).

so where does this leave the rest of the vai family? well, i suppose i am now the primary breadwinner while father is fighting the system, so i’ll be looking after mum as well as sending money to tracey chapman when i can. dave c can be my right-hand man, naval commander and photoshop guy and mum can do the cooking and washing up.

It’s not gonna be easy without my dad, but the revolution is definitely back on track and it’s thanks to the hero that is my father.

‘revolution begins at home, baby’ – napoleon

well well well, guess who’s internet was cut off for a week? was it the simple unassuming ‘man in a suit’? nope. how about the greedy banker in london? nope. vai’s internet was cut off, and i know exactly who was behind it.

whats worried me the most is the size of the conspiracy. apparently virgin media are involved, along with some creditors and my dads business adviser. i never trusted him, for the record.

heres what went down: vai reads a book about the rise of the one world government on saturday night. on sunday, vai stays up til half three typing words like ‘conspiracy’, ‘new world order’ and ‘funniest bits of jackass’ into google (also in on it?). then on monday – no more internet for vai.

being without the internet has really hampered my plans and social life. i tried using dave c’s at his house but he’s not allowed online after 8pm because he once tried to download a lot of rap. annoying, and also i dont think i can trust dave’s dad mr c as he once gave me a funny look when i wore my nirvana tshirt. plus, he makes home brew and thats just weird.

who was behind this then? mum says it was the banks not taking the direct debit, and that sounds like exactly the kind of stunt those lizards have been pulling for years. i can tell the whole event (we also had our car ‘accidentally taken’ for a few days in another ‘admin mix-up’) is starting to get to my mum as shes started drinking and shouting at dad more than ever. its like the time he was nearly made redundant but worse. i wonder what it is.

no i dont. its the lizards. first they shut down teletext, then they lie about tracey chapmans death, now they come for vai.

now ive got the net back ive made sure the lizards will never take it down again. ive put a load of sellotape around the router so that should stop illegal tamperers from submitting crashes to it. i also thought about putting it in the freezer cos the lizards would never think to look in there but then i remembered dave c’s cat.

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so much stuff going on this week vai doesn’t know where to begin! kinda glad i had to work most of the last few days but i had the weekend off so it’s all good.

vai doesn’t wanna dwell on the scientology s***t as we all know how dangerous it is to talk about it online after that councillor got e-slapped by the s-gang.

all i gotta say is you guys stay away from tracey or vai and dave c gonna get ya! and we ain’t talkin online pwning here. were talking proper stealing dave’s dad’s gun and come looking for xenu!

after a few shifts this week (I’m a high-end heavyweight programmer for a mobile games operator based in Cheltenham. It really is quite pleasant and well-paid and I like the people) i chilled out at the weekend with dave c and watched chornicles of riddick one of the best films ever!

vai strongly urges you to either sdsl line it (u know what vai’s sayin) or get yo dvd on and relax with some classic vin.

the film is all about a guy called vin diesel and hes messin about on the ice planet of hoth and then he goes to the helium planet to see mam. then all hell breaks loose and the necromongs come and fight everybody and before you know it boom boom boom THANDIE NEWTON!!! and im standing in front of the tv saying ‘yo this shiz is fine!!!!’ and dave c’s like ‘i want my mommy’ but i know its just jokez.

next up we drove around and listened to some tracey chapman in the all-night carwash and worked out a plan to keep her safe while the plot against her dies down.

i gotz no more to say brrrap.

Dear readers of my blog,

It has come to my attention that the singer/songwriter/guitar-player Tracey Chapman is not dead. Believe me, I found this information out the hard way on Friday night (Wikipedia). Firstly, I would just like to say that, although I was wrong to publish such unverified information, I think it is quite obvious that me and my friend Dave C have been duped as part of a much-wider conspiracy that may even go as high up as Blair.

Tracey Chapman sings about revolution and driving quickly to places in a way that could only be described as ‘anarchic’. Obviously, this has proved too big of a pill for the powers-that-be to swallow and, by feigning a death, they are trying to keep me, my manifesto, our revolution and Tracey Chapman as far away from each other as possible. I can’t claim to know exactly how The Lizards In Westminster hacked into our car radio that fateful night in McDonald’s car park, but what I do know is that Tracey Chapman is now a vital part of our mission to seek The Truth about this world and expose the lies our government feeds us every day.

Steve Vai is a seeker of truth, and now he is a seeker of Tracey Chapman. Tracey, if you’re reading this, please do not answer your phone or eat brown bread (this may kill you. The Lizards have a sense of human revolving around cockney rhyming slang. While you’re at it, avoid fruit stalls not on the ground floor).

Friends of this blog, the time for action is now. If you know Tracey Chapman, tell her me and Dave C have left some family size bottles of Sprite and a Twix ‘rollin, rollin, rollin on the river’. She’ll know what you mean. We’ve also left some foil and a bag of crisps. Just in case.

Don’t give up,

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P.S. I also thought Tracey Chapman was a man. Sorry about that, love.

alot of people haven’t been asking me whether the revolution i have spoken about on here is still on. i think it’s because they are in awe of the way i ‘psyched’ everybody when i pretending i wanted that job in london. well, the good news is i’ve spoken to dave c and as long as he decides against going to college then our plans are definitely back… on!

i put it to dave like this: what’s more important, kickin some corporate lizard ass on my dad’s leased line or a gnvq in business textiles? exactly.

so me and dave bought some leather jackets and then went to mcdonalds drive thru and when they asked us what we wanted to order we said: “how about some money for the poor people you killed to make a big mac? how about some justice with a side order of revolution?” she didn’t reply.

we drove round to the window and it turns out the machine wasn’t working so she didn’t hear us. dave’s asthma was kicking in a bit so we just ordered some nuggets and sat in the car park.

then we heard the news on the radio that tracey chapman had died.

if you don’t know who tracey chapman is, he wrote the songs ‘electric avenue’ and ‘ghostbusters’. he was like a slower bob marley but alive. until now. then the dj played ‘talkin bout a revolution’ and i knew what i had to do.

i marched back into mcdonalds, picked up a load of napkins and threw them on the floor. then i walked up to the front counter and told one of the ‘managers’ “that was for tracey”.

i got back in the car and waited for dave to come back. he’d gone to the toilet in the meantime. i sat thinking about the statement i had just made, and whether i could put it on a tshirt and sell it outside sixth form colleges. dave came back and when i asked why he’d taken so long he said it was because an employee called tracey was shouting and crying at people behind the counter in the restaurant.

i patted dave on the shoulder. i knew what he had seen was just a grief-stricken hallucination caused by the mcfumes.

“i see tracey too, dave.

“i see tracey too.”

decided i don’t need a job after all, other than the one I have. i’m better than it anyway no matter what they said on the phone. staying the same ftw! who wants to live in london anyway? the queen? no thanks mate, you can keep your crown!

they don’t really mean ‘save the queen’! check out this comment on the youtube clip:

“I heard when sid wearing a swastikha t shirt and man walked up to him and said”Im jewish mate do you know how offencive that is”. In reply sid hugged him and sayed i love you. classic pistols”

can’t beat a bit of anarchy on a tuesday!

meeting up with dave c to cause some trouble when we’ve both finished working at our prospective jobs. then we might climb on a roof and throw sticks at pigeons – you can’t stop me dad!

got some propa playa plans for the weekend too. hitting up an internet casino to have a laugh with some marks (strangers). can you say chat roulette? haha probably not as the government controls ya mouth mate!

Oh, I wish I had got that job in London.

psych!!! see how easy it is to lie to the entire internet? that’s what i’ve been doing on this blog haha proper wound up all 15 of yas!

just waiting for dave c to turn up in his vectra. we call it the ‘wu tang car’ hahaha hes a dirty old man nah hes only 15! how’s he got a car then, you might ask? let’s just say you can download anything on torrent these days!
right i gotta and cause trouble then go pizza hut.

yeah…

keep on rollin’ partners…

you know what time it is…

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I was so nervous heading to London – how would I cope in the big city? How would I deal with the famous London Tubes? All this was answered and more the moment I hopped off the train at Euston and rubbed my eyes. Such a big station!

Within, like, 10 seconds I was lost. I had to ask for instructions to the tube station and finally found it. Then, I realised I didn’t have a ticket so I had to go back and buy a dayrider. Pretty expensive, and pretty hectic. Guess I’ll have to get used to this if (when!) I move to the Big Smoke.

I finally found the building where my (hopefully) new work will be. I checked in at reception and felt nervous. Shock horror! I’d forgotten to eat the sandwiches my mum made for me! Oh well, they’d have to wait until the train home later.
The nice interview lady called me in and I walked confidently into the room… 10 minutes later I was out. Nice and simple, kept all my answers short and to one-word and they seemed to be very impressed that I didn’t have any questions to ask them, showing I was sure I was the man for the job.

I left the building convinced I’d be back soon enough. I breathed in the clean London air and breathed out again, coughing a little due to nerves. Like the victorious man my father always wanted me to be, I strode back to the tube station and got lost twice on the way back to London Euston. It didn’t matter though – I was a man about to move to the big city, ready to make it in this world, and with a French sandwich in my bag!

Sometimes, I think I’m a little immature, especially in regards to how I act on the internet. At the end of the day, I need to know when to grow up. Today I received a job interview with a company of some repute that I’m really excited about. In fact, if all goes well I could be earning quite a lot of money, even to move out!

I’ve been getting my head together and in the right frame of mind for my interview. That means I’ve had to ignore Dave C’s calls as it’s time to move on. I’ve been swatting up on my knowledge of leased line and SDSL connections to make sure I can really nail this interview! I came top of the class in I.T. at secondary school, college and university so hopefully this will stand me in good stead. Plus, I have loads of experience in the programming world so maybe this job is in the bag already! Fingers crossed…

The job is in London, so I’ve made myself a nice packed lunch for the train. Well, mum made it. It’s a corned beef salad sandwich, with a yoghurt and a can of Dr Pepper. Hopefully the pop won’t make me too hyper – I don’t want to scare the interviewers off!

When I’ve finished the interview I might head around London for a bit of a sightseeing tour, take some snaps and upload them to Facebook. Or even send a few to my dad – he always promised to take me around London when I was a child but unfortunately he never really got the chance. It was his work that got in the way really. Oh well, I guess he did all that hard work for me and my mum.

Anyway, interview tomorrow! Eeeek! Wish me luck!

Steve

well, me and dave c have decided to end the band, but its ok because we managed to make some waves on our way out. basically dave’s dad has a polycom soundstation 2 which is great for video-conferencing. we then set up our band (then name we settled on was ‘tHiS iS rAnDoM’ and played songs down the phone, using the soundstation, to various people in the music industry.

it was like doing our first concert/rehearsal as we played together for the first time and some of the songs (esp. ‘mad shouting’) we just winged it! anyway, here’s our set list (with some sample truthbomb lyrics) and who we played to…

‘government in a bin’ – sara cox’ p.a.
sample lyric:
“if you all got in the bin itd be an epic win
oh cameron, hope you get rick roll’d to death”

‘john major in a minor (hot as currie)’ – xfm sales line
sample lyric:
“wellllllllllllll whats the story, youre a tory owww!”

‘first class plain ticket’ – this morning competition hotline
sample lyric:
“i refuse your economy sandwich
i refuse your economy sandwich
i refuse your economy sandwich
yeaaaaaa! (ive brought a truth packed lunch!)”

‘fudge scientology (aint dat sweet?)’ – emi (although we rang bmi instead for a laugh!)
sample lyric:
“travolta’s a faulter and cruise is a lose……r”

‘mad shouting’ – deaf institute, manchester (ironic?)
sample lyric: arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhh my ears!!! (improv.)

we got bored after a little while and decided to get a dominoes. then we had a chat about the band and decided that we’d done all the work, said all the things we were ever gonna say. we felt like the world has changed for the better as we tucked into each eight-cheese stuffed crust. it was a good way to go out. on top.

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me and dave c have started our own band! we don’t have a name yet, and we haven’t recorded anything, but we know that our style is going to be anti-commercial and very much kicking against the wall of conventional society. sort of like dylan before his hair went grey and he sold out man!

(for those wondering why i am no longer using capital letters it is because i have had enough of authority!)

anyway, the band has been going from strength to strength since yesterday, and we already have ideas for three concept albums. one of the ideas, my favourite, is for an album called ‘suck this’ and is composed entirely from sounds
created by vacuum cleaners.

(boom! that was the sound of your mind just a-blowing…)

don’t misunderstand us here, guys, we’re still involved in the anti-scientology movement and are still defo against all of the government’s terrible conspiracies. in fact, we’ve told 4chan of our intentions and they seem 100% behind us. most people on msn also seem to think this is a good idea, and twitter has been rockin. #changintheworldthrumuzak

one person who doesn’t think this is a good idea is dave c’s dad, who thinks dave should be concentrating more on his gcses next year rather than hanging around with a guy in his mid-20s who just gets him into proper mad trouble oh well – mr c will be thankin me when me and his son change the world and bring down the banks like halifax and hsbc. if he doesn’t thank me – lizard ftw!!

our first band practice is tonight and i think ive invented some pretty good chords. ever heard of z minor?

(boom! boom! double mind blow ftw!!)

listen out for the revolution…

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