before tracey chapman and the internet opened my eyes to what the world is really like, i used to write video game reviews like this. vai’d like to get back to that top-class level of journihilsm with my thoughts on some computer games and hopefully i can get an online following that can help me get away from you people forever like charlie brooker (hes on twitter). i’m gonna be the arctic monkeys of games reviews – your dad is gonna love me. anyway, gears of war 2!!!
when i first heard about gears of war, i thought “finally a game about mountain bikes!” in 1999, vai submitted a proposal to e.a. sports for a mountain bike game called ‘fifa bikes’ in which famous footballers of the time fought each other on mountain bikes road rash style. here’s a screenshot from my pitch:
as you can see, i could only get a licence from former man united player david may (he’ll do anything if the price is right. and if it isn’t if im honest 
) so david may was the only playable character and i couldn’t get any team licences so i had to raise money from advertising (hence the advert for the x files film, which was a 7) to pay for teams in the finished copy.
anyway, did vai hear back from ea sports? nope. ten years later what happens? gears of war, a complete rip-off of the original idea i had pretty much FTW good times fact livin the dream that is all. even the main characters are as bland and interchangeable as my original idea!!!!
the main aim of gears of war 2 is to kill a load of illegal aliens and then turn it off and trade it for call of duty 6: kill everyone. you can play 2 players at the same time like in real life tennis so me and dave c have been caning it while listening to some tracey and smoking some ched (new drug we’ve made from cheese and drugs). we got to the final boss and we’re so rarsted on ched and adrenalin we pretended it was alan sugars from tv’s ‘thapprentice’ and kept shouting ‘youre fired’ as we fired at him haha.
sound 83%, graphics 7 out of 5, and playability 3-0.
total score = “327 for 6 not out”
thumbs firmly in the middle of ‘up’.
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